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So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall St. Journal article by Jim Carlton:

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

An exasperated caller told Dell Computer Tech Support that she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on no matter how hard she pushed on the foot pedal. The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

Tech: Yes it is. How may I help you?

C: The cup holder on my PC is broken, and I'm still within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

T: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

C: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

T: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. How did you get the cup holder? Did you receive it as part of a promotional at a trade show? Does it have a trademark on it?

C: I don't know anything about a promotional. It came with my computer. It just pops out when you push the button, and it has "4X4" written on it.

At this point, the tech had to mute the call because he couldn't hold back the laugh -- the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off.

NOTE: The first of each month we update information in this area. We hope you make a habit of stopping by. Enjoy your stay and please come back again . . . and again.

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information source: The THAZZ Joke Archive; website at: http://www.members.tripod.com/thazz/humor

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The Foods We Eat

Confused by today's plethora of information about the pros and cons of the foods we eat? Tired of reading the side of your breakfast cereal box?

Well ... when our knowledge of the recommended daily intake of niacin, riboflavin, and thiamine comes from reading the side of our breakfast cereal box, we know we've got a problem.

But help is on the way! After month's of research, we bring all the experts' knowledge together in a more clear, concise way – making it much easier for you to decide on the foods you eat.

We bring you the definitive diet!!

Fruits and Veggies

Experts have nothing really bad to say about fruits and veggies. They recommend at least 5 servings a day as the minimum – with 9 servings considered ideal.

(That's right, nine!)

So a simple dietary plan (with 9 servings)* might include:

4 pieces of fruit for breakfast;
a large salad roll stuffed with tomatoes, beets and lettuce for lunch;
and for dinner, 3 servings of broccoli or cauliflower for those essential anti-oxidants.

*(Unless, of course, the veggies are grown in poor soil which destroys the anti-oxidants; then you better make that 12 servings a day to be safe.)

Fats

All the experts say to eat no more than 30 grams of fat a day. That's all very easily done if you have your daily fat intake as one 30-gram slab of lard which you can weigh out first thing in the morning.

But it's difficult to work out the fat content of food stuffs like cream cheese, which claims to have 80% less fat than margarine (but in reality contains 14.5% fat).

Sooooo .... the easiest way to consume the correct daily fat requirement is to buy one Mars bar, cut it into 12 equal slices, and add a slice to each of those 12 servings of fruits and veggies during the day.

Cholesterol

It isn't easy grappling with the concept that butter and margarine have the same fat content – but different cholesterol levels.

And then there's that little sticker on the avocado declaring it to be cholesterol-free – but conveniently forgetting to mention its fat content is 16%. (Soooo ... beware of avocados!)

And there's the egg – which used to contain too much cholesterol – but doesn't any more. We're now told we can safely have 2 eggs every second day, which is probably the same as 1 egg a day. (Or maybe not. The experts haven't clarified this point.)

Fibre

A high-fibre diet (35 to 40 grams) is still recommended by most experts; and although this may sound like a lot, it can easily be incorporated into our meals.

Just add 14 cups of cooked brown rice (28 if you insist on white rice) or 11 average servings of pasta every day. (You can reduce this if you're eating all the fruits and veggies recommended above.)

Fluids

Eight glasses of water a day are recommended– as long as it's not chlorinated or fluoridated or swimming with E.coli. And tea is good; it's full of anti-oxidants (as long as you don't add milk – and remember to watch out for the caffeine).

Supplements, Additives, Preservatives and Flavourings

Let's start with salt. Well, the bad news is that too much salt can cause hypertension and premature death. The good news is that too little salt causes only premature death.

As for artificial preservatives and flavourings in food, new research reveals they may prevent death from cardiovascular disease. And anti-oxidants may help us live longer and avoid heart attacks – but exercise uses them up.

So, we have a choice: we can either energetically exercise and pop anti-oxidant pills every day – or sit in front of the TV eating packets of potato chips and lunchmeat sandwiches.

(Looks as though the end result is the same!)

WARNING: Did I remember to mention "It's best if you take this information as seriously as that on the side of your cereal box"?

information source: The Definitive Diet by Dr. Carolyn Re; STITCHES, The Journal of Medical Humour 101(8):46-48, 2000.

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Church Bulletin Bloopers

We don't have to go very far to find "a smile a day." Have you checked your church bulletin lately? OPPS!

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church in our community.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All wishing to do something on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Brown to lay an egg on the altar.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Don't let worry kill you off -- Let the church help.

information sources: http://www.maxpages.com/heavenlyplace/Church_Bulletin_Bloopers
and
http://www.bible-reading.com/bulletin.html

NOTE: The first of each month we update information in this area. We hope you make a habit of stopping by. Enjoy your stay and please come back again . . . and again.

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Why English Is Hard to Learn

English was invented by people, not computers, so it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

Let's face it. English is a crazy language.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. A bandage can be wound around the wound. And after a number of injections your jaw can get number.

We marvel at its unique lunacy . . .
in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and your alarm goes off by going on.

If we explore its paradoxes . . .
we find that quicksand can work slowly; boxing rings are square; there is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And finally . . .
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this page, I end it!!! hm...mmmm?

Source unknown

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A Short Story of Medicine

2000 B.C. -- Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -- That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -- That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -- That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -- That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -- That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.

Source unknown

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Funny Labels

Feb. ’01 – A sense of humor makes every day a little brighter. With humor at our side, we find we have more enthusiasm and get more done. And we really don't have to go very far to find "a smile a day." Look at what's waiting for us when we go shopping. Here are a few actual instructions found on consumer goods:

On the Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
(printed on bottom of the box)
(Too late! You lose!)

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

Information source: http://library.thinkquest.org

NOTE: The first of each month we update information in this area. We hope you make a habit of stopping by. Enjoy your stay and please come back again . . . and again.

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Bumper Stickers!

You don't have to go far to find "a smile a day." While you're waiting for the traffic light to change, read the bumper sticker in front of you.

Here's what some California drivers are sticking to their bumpers:

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Warning: Dates on your calendar are closer than they appear!
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

NOTE: The first of each month we update information in this area. We hope you make a habit of stopping by. Enjoy your stay and please come back again . . . and again.

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